Gambling words

Words I thought would never fail me. The only consistency in my life were words. Words I thought would never let me down, but it did last night amidst the silence of the loud words, as loud as nails scratching against the black board. Every letter, every syllable echoed  the  cacophony of a separation, of moving apart, of moving away, of losing what is. There was a storm amidst the words, rising from the ashes of every word spelt, of every word that was dealt out like the aces from the careless hands of two gamblers, each trying to win something, not realizing before its too late that 'loss' was the only winning they'd be taking back tonight. The storm began and ended, the air settled. But the stench of loss remained.

It's an unfinished painting. A few brush strokes, a dab of colour here and there, a few lines tracing a silhouette is all there is to it. There's a face, hardly discernible in the cocktail of all the colour that people have portrayed on it. The face is lost and the figure distorted by the occassional burst of paint on the canvas by the amateur hands of a painter. Every brush stroke makes the image more grotesque and shapeless till the painter abandons it realizing "it's more than he can handle". The painting lies abandoned and unfinished in the corner of a room until the next time.

There was a light breeze, a light rage, a knotting of the stomach muscles. A momentary hesitation, unsurity arose and then passed like a shadow. I wasn't sure what I'd done wrong. In fact, I was sure I had done nothing wrong. The words feminist, independent, bold passed from his lips. Any other time they would be flattering, but something told me they weren't. The tone insinuated disapproval. It was a tone I had heard before. I had heard it from parents,  boyfriends, aquaintances.. I hated it. I never understood it or maybe it was the other way around. They didn't really know what I was talking about. I mean, really? I had to be docile, meek, feign ignorance? But to what means? I don't need to do that just because I was born with breasts. I would never do that, for anyone. To anyone who expects such, they are just wasting their time.

There's an unrest, a restlessness that is building inside me,
I feel a storm in the stillness of the summer air,
In the rosy dusk,
And in the way the crows make their flight home.

The only peace is in the inky depth of your eyes,
In the curve of your browridge and the fullness of your lips,
In the way you sing to me,
And in the way I cry when you do.

I stared and stared at the tiny grains of sand as if they are going to tell a tale. Innocuous as they seemed I wanted to know how they made the deeply disturbing image I was beginning to see. I cupped my hands and saw the sunshine shining off those tiny grains of sand. I stared till the sunlight reflecting off of the grains made me cry and the sand was washed in the salty rivulets.

I wanted to speak out. I wanted to show you how I rationalize, how I tear apart every fact, every word you say till it turns to dust and falls at my feet. You wouldn't know. You wouldn't even begin to imagine how this heart beats, how I try to keep count but I fail. I write every time I need to talk to myself. I write every time I need to tell myself that everything's going to be alright. I write to convince myself the world is not falling apart when it's coming crashing down around me. I keep my eyes shut and write. I ignore the thundering noise and write. I ignore the voice in my head and I write. I write till the words become a scribble and it finally makes no sense. I write till I exhaust myself. Then I open my eyes to see nothing but an illuminated stream of dust in the air.

In the end, I write some more.

Tonight I want to run into the blindness of the night,
Wrapped in the cold breeze I want to run into her embrace,
I want to fall just so I can feel the cold ground against my cheek,
Just so I know that I can get up once more.

Tonight I want to scream into the great, black void,
I want to hear the echo of my own voice,
Just so I know what I sound like,
Just so I know I still can.

Tonight I want your hurt,
I want all your pain,
Just so I know I feel
and my heart can still ache.